Tag Archives: children

Memorial Day Through A Military Child’s Eyes

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While driving on post to take Tom dinner Saturday evening, the girls were playing in the backseat and I was listening to NPR. At the top of the hour the news led with a report about an attack on NATO troops in Afghanistan, resulting in 7 casualties.

E heard.

I turned the dial, silently cursing myself. I’m usually so careful. I have to be. Tom deploys frequently. E’s friends have fathers who deploy frequently. I don’t want to scare her.

From the backseat, “What about American soldiers, Mom?”

Darn. “Nothing, E. It wasn’t American soldiers, it was NATO soldiers.” A little lie. I was panicking. We’ve talked  about the dangers of war, but I really try to avoid it.

“Oh. That is so sad for their kids, but I’m glad it wasn’t our guys. Americans. That’s a little better, right?” says my ever so brutally honest, brave girl.

I wanted to cry. I wanted to pull over on the side of the road and cry for the little girl who obviously thought about war and death and loss. Who didn’t know her own father was once hit by an IED when she was just 15 months old. Who didn’t know about the loss that touched so closely to our own lives, to her father’s.

I didn’t cry though. I took a deep breath and said, “War and death is so sad, those who fight, are wounded, or die deserve so much more. It is horrible for their families, but yes E, I agree. It is a little better if it isn’t someone we could possibly know.”

Little R pipes up in her little girl voice, trying to copy her sister, “What about solda daddies?”

Before I can say a word, I see E turn towards her sister in my rear-view mirror. She stretches out her hand and says, “It’s okay, R. They were just talking about soldiers in Afa-gahan-a-stan. Not Iraq. Nowhere Daddy has gone. They’re okay.”

At that moment I realize what it is to be a child of a veteran, a child of a soldier who has deployed to war. I thought I could protect her from the darkest realities of war, but I could not. She has learned of war and sorted it into some sort of levels of right and wrong, of fear and acceptance, of need and protection. In that moment, when she reassured her sister, I knew I did the right thing. I protected her while I could and allowed her to gently form her own type of acceptance. That she shared that same cautious comfort with her sister…well, I gained a perfect picture of her love for her little sister: protective, gentle, loving, and respectful. What an incredible little girl.

3 Steps Towards Enjoying Motherhood

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As I find myself droning on and on about sleepless nights and moving my family and my girls’ massive Barbie collection across the ocean, I realize it may sound as though I’m not enjoying this moment of motherhood. Sleepless nights, tantrums, and fake crying aside, I love being home with my girls and boredom has yet to force me to extremes. I was thinking of the three things that have really helped me enjoy being a mother and I came up with three concepts to inspire other moms to examine their relationship with their children.

1. Accept you’re a mom…accept you’re more than a mom.

One of the most important lessons I learned as a mom was from my friend Lisa A., who is not a mother. Gasp! I will give you a moment to absorb this…ready? Lisa and I worked together and share many interests, political views, music, and sarcasm being at the top (is sarcasm an interest? I think so). While talking about some fabulous music one day, Lisa stopped me and gave me one of the most insightful compliments I’ve ever received (it was 3 years ago, so this is approximate): “You know, you’re an amazing mom, E is the coolest kid I know, but you’re not just a mom. I love that you enjoy life and you share that with E.” Wow. Still feel’s good…thanks Lisa!

As a Mom it is so easy to slip into mommy mode 24/7. At this time I was working, Tom was deployed (surprise!), and most of my closest colleagues were not parents or were parents of much older children and this may have made it easier to not share E’s latest toddler quirk (though I could have easily segregated myself and slipped into the “no one understands what I’m going through mode”). On the other hand, I really embraced my love of music, literature, design and great food at this time. I didn’t (and still do not) have a single kid’s CD in my car, E gobbled up Thai food, and to this day wants to be a house builder (though she recently changed this to a home renovator since my earth-friendly self rubbed off on her and she decided it is better for the earth to fix old buildings…seriously, came up with this on her own).

Even if you’re a stay-at-home Mom, find what you love and don’t feel you have to keep it from your children. It is a part of your life and should be part of theirs. If there is something your child likes that drives you crazy, try something new (i.e. switch out TV shows, get rid of the insane CD, throw out the Moon Sand). It doesn’t need to be a negative, just choose some music you LOVE, turn it on and sing at the top of your lungs. I promise your kids will join in. If you do the switch with enthusiasm, they will take to it. That said, most kids easily adjust and welcome something fresh, though this doesn’t always work if it is an absolute favorite, like E and her Barbies.

When you begin incorporating your own personality and loves into motherhood, you will begin to enjoy little everyday moments (imagine that commute without “Old McDonald’s Farm”). More importantly, your child may take an interest in concepts beyond the everyday monotony of a young child’s life. Music, books (especially any picture book that has ever been censored), and time spent exploring our backyard have prompted endless conversations between my girls and I. Television, do-it-all toys, and childhood songs? No, not much inspiration there for me.

2. Say yes when you can.

A couple of days ago I was desperate to get some writing done and sat down for a few minutes while my girls were preoccupied. Immediately they came over, asking me to show them how to blow bubbles (I was entertaining them with my bubblegum blowing skills while Tom was changing our flat tire). Of course I said, “Not right now, I’m busy.”

They asked again, but not in a whining way, and I said no. They asked again and I thought about why I was saying no and didn’t come up with a fabulous reason, so I said yes. They had a great time popping bubbles and spitting gum into my poorly placed diaper bag when they tried their own bubbles. They even learned a little bit about patience (I have to chew the gum to the right consistency) and I learned how time is one of the best things shared with others.

It is so easy to get wrapped up in busy-ness and obligations. When simple childhood requests get a no or are met with annoyance, it’s time to reassess. Try saying yes to some things, especially when it means giving your time and attention. Saying yes and taking the time to play with your child or teaching her something new, is never wasted. This is a simple way to gain happier children without spoiling them. (Wouldn’t you rather say yes to bubble-blowing than yes to a new toy?) If you share and enjoy your time with your children, they will learn important lessons about sharing, respect, and love.

3. Love your home and make it peaceful.

It took quite awhile for our current home to become our home. Tom deployed right after we moved in and I was soon hit with winter and holidays. The girls and I spent a great deal of time at home, E went to preschool two days a week, but that was about the extent of it (except mindless shopping trips). The layout of our house wasn’t working for me and I could never relax and enjoy my children. When March came and I still hadn’t tackled taking down the Christmas tree, I realized change had to happen. I took a deep breath, admitted Tom was not here and though I hated to do it, I had to change things in my house, by myself, again (love you, babe!). I hung pictures, I created a final play area (this was the fourth time I moved their toys around), I said yes to sheet forts and indoor beach parties and in the end, the house became our home.

If you and your family do not feel comfortable in your home, figure out the cause and change it. Hang your pictures, rearrange furniture, or even use your unused dining room as a playroom…whatever it takes to make you enjoy your home, do it. This doesn’t require a kitchen overhaul (though if that’s in your budget and it makes you happy…), just some changes to make your home accessible to your family and supportive of your activities. It is so easy to think of what you’ll do different after a move or after the kids grow a bit older. I urge you not to wait.

A supportive physical environment will lead to a supportive, more stable emotional and mental environment for your family. Wanting to stay home and having access to activities or comfy chairs to snuggle in are essential in building a happier relationship with your children. If you enjoy staying home, you will be more willing to share your time and interests with your child and experiencing the first moments of a happier, more fulfilling relationship.


Exhaustion

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Exhaustion has plagued me since the beginning of motherhood (I know I’m not alone in this, ladies). I’ve always had a child keeping me up or Tom away or papers to grade or the other common stresses of moving and money. I hoped that I would have a break from it about now. After all, R is two-and-a-half this weekend, it seems the sleep issues should be solved. Doesn’t it?

But it isn’t. That little girl will go from one issue to another…night waking, trouble falling asleep, not sleeping in her bed, tantrums, waking e-a-r-l-y, we’ve gone through them all. Lately we’ve had a horrible time with falling asleep. The night before last, I decided to try cry it out (yes, a cruel, though often necessary evil).

With E, we did cry-it-out once. At six months. She would then easily fall asleep on her own, even if she woke a bit at night still. I was going back to work in five days and I was desperate to get as much rest as possible. She did pretty well through a 15 month deployment and early morning commutes to the best childcare provider in the world. I survived as well, but was really looking forward to some rest when Tom came home (oh wait, I got pregnant right away and then moved immediately after my last day of teaching and…).

This is R’s fourth time with cry-it-out (at least, maybe more). We had to wait until she was nearly a year to succeed at it the first time around though, there was no chance she could fall asleep on her own before then. We took a major vacation when she was nine months and then moved from Georgia to New York, living in a travel trailer for a few weeks while we searched for a home. This was really rough on the whole family. R should have been finding her own sleep rhythm by then, but all the changes in our life made it impossible.

We then spent two frantic weeks preparing for Tom’s next deployment and off he went. I was desperate for rest and spent many days moving around beds until I found an arrangement that worked for poor R. She moved into a few glorious months of falling asleep on her own after a rough cry-it-out session. She learned to soothe herself to sleep and while she still woke at night, I would ignore her until she cried for a given length of time, hoping she would fall asleep.

But that is still waking for me. And I am not one to fall asleep easily. It can take an hour or more. I’m not going to go into details about those months, but suffice it to say that those 10 months Tom was gone were really hard on me, but I survived. I’ve been through deployments before, but these 10 months with two children, in a new, snowy region, with no job and a child who would not accept childcare, almost broke this mama!

Tom returned and she was soon crawling out of her crib. We couldn’t risk a fall, so we immediately put her in her toddler bed. This began the frustrating phase of floor sleeping. For four months, she would fall asleep at her door on the hardwood floor. For the first month I would read stories, walk her, rock her, sit by her, rub her back, lay on the floor and sob. No matter what I did, she would wake-up moments after I left the room and I found myself facing a long Northern New York winter with about 2-3 hours of fitful sleep a night. I was more rested when my children were newborns.

We saw our family doctor one morning after R got only 2 hours of sleep. I had zero sleep and risked an ice/snow storm to visit the doctor at 7:15 in the morning. Her diagnosis? Strong will. She told me R would not suffer any harm from sleeping on a hardwood floor and I should just close her door and leave. Finally I caved, I put her to bed, left the room and locked it. That was the only way I could keep her in her room. (Yes, I tried two different door know covers, she removed them both and got out of the room. I tried a baby gate. She climbed it. I tried stacked baby gates, she started to climb the second and I was afraid of that long fall. A little hook lock was the only option.)

She would start out of bed before I made it to the door, show up with her blanket, little pillow and beloved Hoppy and cry. At first it was for a long, long time, but eventually it was down to a few minutes, then no tears…just sleeping on the floor. I tried everything. A large rug, carpet tiles, a hand-me-down Dora flip out couch, her mattress on the floor…nothing worked for her. She would throw the tiles, throw the couch, push away the mattress and crumple/roll her carpet to expose the hardwood floor. Fine. She slept on the floor.

All this time she would still wake at night, I would ignore her unless she had the desperate cry that triggered the need for intervention. Finally, one magical day in February she figured it out. She slept in her bed. It took three stories, but she would go to sleep by herself and stay in her bed.

Then another change, five days in Pittsburgh with family, sparked a new difficulty. Night waking. She returned to this cycle and it lasted until Easter weekend. With the exception of the rare miracle night, I was waking with her 3-5 times a night. Tom would try to help by taking turns or taking a night on the weekend, but it didn’t matter. I still woke. She cried desperately and I could change her diaper and cuddle her for 20 minutes or I could suffer through an hour of tears and get up anyway. I chose to get up. (This time was also impacted with potty-training. She does not like a wet diaper!)

And recently another change. My in-laws came to visit for Easter weekend and Regan magically slept through the night and slept until seven or later in the morning. Amazing. I noticed she was struggling more and more to go to sleep, but she would eventually fall asleep and I ignored it. This lasted for nine glorious days until we decided to take a little trip this weekend.

Well, R missed a nap and went to bed almost three hours late. I have suffered for that decision. Now she struggles horribly to go to sleep (7 stories, rocking, door open, door cracked, over an hour of effort after a long day) and is back to waking at night. We tried crying it out two nights ago. Her reaction was a fierce tantrum complete with head banging. When Tom brought her out, I saw sobbing that left her little face swollen and nearly unrecognizable (it went back to normal within minutes). We both held her and I cried. She fell asleep within five minutes.

Yesterday I cleaned her room, took out all distractions and rearranged it into a little haven. Last night she fell asleep while Tom read to her, but she missed a nap and went to sleep over an hour after her usual bedtime (I’m really strict about bedtimes and bed routines…this has helped me get those weeks or months of sleep with little or no wakings). We hoped being extra tired would help.

She woke and woke and woke last night. Once, I spent two hours with my poor little girl before she fell asleep. I crawled back to bed for an hour before my husband’s alarm went off.

Today I have reached a new level of exhaustion. I’m afraid of what tonight will bring, but I’m more concerned about what will happen this summer. We will be visiting family, going from house to house and hotel to hotel. Then there is the big move to a new continent, with a huge time change and a new environment. At this point I have no idea how I will handle it.

If you’ve read through to the bottom of this post, I have to say thank you. Thank you for suffering through my exhausted rant. If you have any suggestions, please leave a comment. If I know you and I’ve ever seemed fiercely jealous of sleeping children or breaks you get thanks to a sitter or grandparents, please forgive me. I was too tired to control my green-eyed monster.

Last Minute Teacher Gifts

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It is Teacher Appreciation Week and your child’s teacher deserves some goodies! (I speak as a former teacher. Trust me.)

Things were a bit crazy last weekend, so I thought of two simple last minute gifts for E’s Pre-K teachers.

The first is this candy bar. E chose the bar and I wrote “Thanks for being so SWEET!” on a punched-out circle of paper. I then tied it around the bar with a piece of garden twine. Simple. Cute. Tasty.

Second was today’s little gift. I let E choose three geraniums at Wal-Mart for $3.30 each. I then used a glue stick to glue a little note to the back of a pack of seeds (I already had several…I let E choose from those as well). Just put a little stripe of glue along the top of the note. I wrote “Thank you for growing young minds!” Cheesy, but they are Pre-K teachers, they’re used to cheese! Then slip the pack into a plastic fork and stick the fork in the plant. I used some cellophane I had in the house, but I was really searching for brown craft paper. That would be even cuter tied around the flower pot with some more of that handy garden twine!

Two simple gifts for a total of $4.30 plus tax per teacher (a little more if you have to purchase flower seeds, but you could always leave those out too!).

The New Children’s Classics

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As you may have gathered, my children are incredibly active, imaginative girls (yes, too active and too imaginative…it’s possible) and they L.O.V.E. stories. In fact, the only way I can get Regan to sleep on her own is by reading all her current favorites night after night and nap after nap. Sometimes this can be as many as five books at a time. And yes, my two year old daughter KNOWS if I skip a page or paraphrase. I don’t even try anymore. If I do, I have to start over. Regan’s room, Regan’s rules.

For the first time in recent memory, we’re down to one book, In the Night Kitchen by Maurice Sendak, aka “The Mickey Cake Book.” How did this book make it into our collection? It was a picture book assigned for a Children’s Literature course when I was finishing up my ever-so-useful English Literature degree. I believe the instructor chose it since it is a highly censored book. Why? Well, the boy, Mickey, falls out of his clothes in a dream and there are plenty of illustrations involving full-frontal shots. Now, it is a children’s book and nothing offensive, but Regan waits and waits for the first one, points and says “Look, privates!” Yes Regan, those are his privates, again. It is a cute story, full of rhymes and incredibly imaginative illustrations (I would expect nothing less from the author of Where the Wild Things Are).

The favorites preceding this story? “The Toot Book,” or The Gas We Pass: The Story of Farts by Shinta Cho. Yes, another one to pass down to the grandkids. We do change every fart to toot, but Regan will call out when she toots and point out when others do too…priceless.

At the same time this was so popular, Eric Carle’s The Very Hungry Caterpillar (or “the capapillar book”) was a nightly read as well. Something about this book is so enticing to children. The colors? The little pages with holes in it? The mention of ice cream and cupcakes? Mmmm, cupcakes.

Her other favorites in recent weeks include:

The Cat in the Hat By Dr. Seuss. In English. I just say this because there is even a Latin version available!

Rap A Tap Tap by Leo and Diane Dillon. I love this book! Check it out if you’ve never read it!

I’m Not Cute by Jonathan Allen. Reading this book is fun! Regan loves to tell the baby owl that he is cute. She also asks the same questions every single time and it goes something like this:

Me: “Then along came fox.”

Regan: “What kind of fox?”

Me: “A red fox.”

Regan: “Oh a red fox? OK.”

And so on and so on for every animal in the story. I suddenly realized how many types of animals are named for their color. Love that girl.

Itsy Bitsy Spider by Kate Toms. I love how the spider in this book finally figures out how to get up the waterspout, even in the rain.

We’re also HUGE Berenstain Bears fans around here. Even little Regan will sit through an entire book, which is actually pretty lengthy. One of her recent favorites is The Berenstain Bears No Girl’s Allowed by Stan and Jan Berenstain. I still love these books and I will always love them. The quaint tree house, the names, the problems, everything is just perfect. I want to be part of the Berenstain family.

If Regan asks for one more book and I just can’t bring myself to read one more, I choose one of these short Diego books. They’re pretty horrible since they’re supposed to be for beginning readers (though I can’t understand why), but they’re short and satisfy the “one more book, Mommy…”

Some of Emma’s current favorites? Berenstain Bears, of course, also these Fancy Nancy first readers. She’ll ask for any book based on Barbie and has a love of classic Fairy Tales. Here’s a collection that has great reviews.

So these are our family’s current favorites and most of them will end up being family classics. I love that my girls can sit down to listen to books and will choose them over a few more minutes of TV. Did I always read to them everyday? Nope. There were long periods of time where I just couldn’t stomach another board book and let them sit and look at books by themselves, but I always made them accessible (I guess that’s how I justify not reading to them all the time…). I’m curious, what are some of your family’s faves? I’m always looking for great books for my girls. Please feel free to leave a comment!